The Archies (2023): A Time-Warping Adventure That Leaves You Wishing for a Time Machine

Rating: Let's not go there

Hey, fellow cinematics! So, if you've found yourself sitting through the cinematic rollercoaster known as "The Archies (2023)," I'm sorry. I genuinely wish I could hand you a time machine and help you regain those precious hours. Alas, we can't turn back time, but we can dissect what went wrong in this perplexing blend of sweet endings and, well, stupidity.

Let's start with the good stuff – the soundtrack. The songs are like a blast from the past, injecting that classic Archies vibe into your eardrums. The problem? Well, you'd probably find yourself reaching for the remote more for the 'skip' button than the volume control. It's a musical paradox – the movie's best part is the part you want to fast forward through because the dance moves don't make sense.

Now, onto the plot, or as I like to call it, the Bermuda Triangle of storytelling. The film is a maze of clichés and predictable twists. It's like they raided a '70s sitcom vault, picked out every overused trope, and threw them into a blender. The result? It's a narrative smoothie that tastes less like nostalgia and more like missed opportunities.

And let's not forget our cast of characters, especially the so-called "nepo kids." Bless their hearts, but wooden expressions and lackluster delivery make you wonder if they went to the School of Acting or the School of Miming. It's like watching a group of well-connected mannequins try to emote and trust me, it's not as entertaining as it sounds. The girls sound like they're moaning because what the hell is that accent? Let's not forget to give a shoutout to Netflix for their strategic move in bundling all these nepo kids' debuts together in "The Archies (2023)." It's like they gathered the second-gen stars and said, "Why disappoint the audience one by one when we can do it in a single, glorious ensemble?" It's a silver lining, really – the convenience of being collectively disappointed without the hassle of tracking down each nepotistic debut individually.

As someone wise once said, "Thank you, Netflix, for saving us from the agony of separate disappointments!" It's almost like they're providing a public service, sparing us the trouble of enduring each nepo kid's debut solo act.

But fear not! The movie throws you a lifeline in the form of a heartwarming ending. It's the cinematic equivalent of a hug, trying to compensate for lost time. Sure, it's sweet, and you might shed a tear, but it's like putting a Band-Aid on a cinematic gunshot wound. Nice try, but the damage has been done.

So, if you've been brave enough to venture into "The Archies," kudos to you. Just know that your time is more valuable than a Netflix subscription, and in an ideal world, you'd be reimbursed with a time-turner for your troubles. Until then, let's collectively cross our fingers for better movie choices in the future.